Sloth News - June 2018

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Sloth News - June 2018

Postby Gorka » Thu Jun 28, 2018 9:09 am

Live from Mole Studios! First at 6! This is Sloth News with Gorka!

Good evening and welcome to Sloth News at 6pm, Gimme a G! Gimme an ORKA!

Tonight on Sloth news, the glass ceiling gets broken for all casters, Mayhem and Destruction! Riots at the School of Colemary and the World Record attempt at the most senseless deaths ends up just short.

First! We bring you the inspiring story from the coliseum; Norks has just smashed the level 0 record with 76 kills. We cross live to our reporter who is with Norks.

“Norks! Congratulations on your record! Walk us through your record run…”
“Nothing to it…” Norks replies. “Press button, cast firewind.”
“And, what were you thinking as you got closer and closer to the record?” Reporter asks excitedly.
“Press button, cast firewind.” Norks replies.
“That’s an incredibly smart strategy… and what did you do after the run when you’d realised you’d beaten the record?”
“I had a bloody cup of tea.” Norks replies.
“What do you have to say to all the oppressed casters out there, now you’ve broken the glass ceiling and fought back against the misogynist warriors.”
“Give us second wind, clearly my record demonstrates warriors have an advantage.”
“Ok, thanks Norks, back to you Gorka in the studio.”

Next in in the news! We bring you EXCLUSIVEEEE coverage of the riots at School of Colemary. The schools image has recently been tarnished by sexual allegations of misconduct brought against Mister Schtuple. We cross live to our reporter on the ground there… Tell us what’s going on there…

“Well it’s scenes of chaos here, a class of bards reacted violently to the acquittal of Mister Schtuple on sexual allegations by Sarah Foom, commencing a reign of confusion.” The police fought back with their own chants but there was no sacred reprieve. We interviewed one of the bards earlier… “I’m here to support Sarah Foom, society is sick of men, I hate men, humanity will be a better place without men, and we want a better future without men, WE WILL HAVE A BETTER FUTURE WITHOUT MEN!”

"Another bard we interviewed said he didn’t really care about the issue, but he did win a stack of cash at 40 to 1 odds against the police. He said the police these days lack the charisma to deal with the issues."

"An elder bystander said, Back in Sloth 2, this wouldn’t have happened, things were so much better back then.”

Now! Over to our correspondent on Lyme. We have news of a player who has been attempting the record of the most senseless deaths in a 4 day period. Exclusive to sloth news we have the official reports, but in the interests of privacy we have blotted out the players’ real identity with Xxx.

“What can you tell us?”

27 Jun 2018 23:41 skeletal knight of fire obliterated Xxx.
27 Jun 2018 13:11 Xxx was beaten down by a harpy.
27 Jun 2018 12:54 a rogue thief handidly dispatched Xxx to to the next world.
27 Jun 2018 00:10 Xxx naively fought a male guest and lost.
26 Jun 2018 14:34 a minotaur guard wasted Xxx.
26 Jun 2018 00:33 Uhhhl slew Xxx.
26 Jun 2018 00:23 Xxx was slain by Klklklpa.
26 Jun 2018 00:09 Xxx was defeated by Klklklpa.
25 Jun 2018 23:31 Xxx naively fought a beast with a huge gaping maw and lost.
25 Jun 2018 20:35 a male guest wasted Xxx.
25 Jun 2018 15:20 a sahaguin patrol obliterated Xxx.
25 Jun 2018 15:12 a foot soldier crushed Xxx to a liveless pulp of blood and offals.
25 Jun 2018 13:02 Xxx was messily dispatched by a gargoyle.
25 Jun 2018 12:25 an elite guard slew Xxx.
25 Jun 2018 12:18 a cloudgiant tower guard slew Xxx.
24 Jun 2018 19:49 Xxx was slain by a royal guard.
24 Jun 2018 15:59 a silver dragon spy defeated Xxx.
24 Jun 2018 13:36 Xxx was slain by the Black Angel.
24 Jun 2018 13:20 Xxx fought against a temple guard and lost.

“Well we interviewed the player who wished to only be known anonymously as Xxx about his record breaking run attempt. Here’s what he had to say…

“So it started out with good luck, my iron skin fell just as I fought a temple guard. Then my girl friend called me just as I had entered the room with the Black Angel. I spilt a glass of water on my keyboard just as I was about to stab the dragon spy, and mum called as I attacked a royal guard.”

“The next day was a bit of a slow start, but a mob with the same name entered the room just as I was about to stab an easier guard. My internet cut out for the next guard, and the cat accidentally turned off my screen for the next.”

“The next day the area repopped while I was afk, and then I had to stop the dog from eating my homework. I was checking out some weird shadow outside my window when I got killed and then there was a knock at the door. There was a loud bang outside for the next, then I had to call the cops cause there were some gang bangers having a pillow fight out the front of my house. A bright beam of light engulfed my room on the next kill, and then there was a tsunami warning. Aliens tried to abduct me so I died the next death, then Trump showed up with 3 CIA agents and a special mission in a wax sealed envelope.”

“That’s a lot of great luck you had, you almost broke the record for the most senseless deaths in a 4 day period… what went wrong?” “Some cleric aegised me.”

In sports news this week we had the long awaited matchup between Legends and Dragonsworn, over to our correspondent. “How was the game?”

“Well it looked to be a fairly even matchup on paper, then came the news that Legends had no leaders.”

Now let’s take a look at the weather around the Jord…

Fine a cloudy in Dark Chasm, take an umbrella for possible showers in the afternoon.
Humid and sticky in Demon Web, Overcast and 24 degrees.
Darkness and Gloom expected in Shadowlands, 18 degrees.
A temperature warning for Hades, hot as hell 39 degrees.

This has been Sloth news for the last week of June, I’m your host Gorka, gimme a Gggg! Gimme an oorrrrrkkkaaa....
Gimme a G! Gimme a ORKA!
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Re: Sloth News - June 2018

Postby Sam » Thu Jun 28, 2018 6:15 pm

good one, thx :)

Whats coming next?! (it was The late "mudders" hours news)

02:55 The universal mud mechanics for the chosen ones by Dr. Josiah.
03:15 The great bard songs of the past performed by Toxis and the Many Chicks band.
03:45 Slothmud museum society presents: Zarf, Ghost, Slice and other newbies back in the '97, guest narrators - Unmace, Whatta and Strider.
04:30 Basics of the munchkinism - Taron and Gorka listening and commenting on the retro records of Cizin and Sa
06:30 Morning exp run by Surfnazi (you will need printed maps for the first 100k runs, then its ok)
07:15 Breakfast of the champions - proper preparation of slices of Malign, Tiamat, Baranth and Lucifer in one run by Dr and Stun
08:00 The art of endless chop by professor Ezekiel (next 15 hours)
23:05 The liquid fun and drachma run by the incognito immortal
02:00 Furry animals of the slothmud - charm them and pet hard by Fluffy
02:15 The late "mudders" hours news by Gorka and guests

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