Microsoft Template

MICROSOFT ANNOUNCES <insert new M$ application name>

REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In an effort to <insert M$'s lame idea about what user's need>, Microsoft announced today that <insert M$'s lame answer to lame idea>.

"<Dumb quote from a M$ employee about how user's will `benefit' from this new M$ application>" said a Microsoft spokesperson who requested to remain anonymous.

Industry analysts were quick to praise the decision, calling it "bold and innovative!" "This new <insert new M$ application name> will free Windows users from <some bug or missing feature which is M$'s fault in the first place>. It also gives Windows a new feeling of <something that would make anyone using any other OS fall asleep>", said a member of Ziff-Davis Publishing's Editorial Staff. "This is precisely why <insert competing software application's name> is failing in the marketplace -- they have failed to deliver a <enter quality that only a Business Major turned computer journalist could dream up>."

When asked when <insert new M$ application name> would be available, a Microsoft spokesperson said "<insert convoluted quote that convinces the user that the application will be released soon or even yesterday, but doesn't commit to any specific date>" The spokesperson also added, "It really doesn't matter since <insert new M$ application name> is destined to be the most <insert glorified praise for non-existent application and be sure to mention how it will be `powerful' and `dominate' the world software market>."

Market and industry analysts quickly agreed adding that "<insert new M$ application name> has already revolutionized the industry."

A spokesperson from <insert competing software vendor's name> disagreed however. "Microsoft is still trying to sell products that don't exist. <insert competing software vendor's name> has been shipping <insert competing product that is unheard of thanks to mass sucking of Bill The Gates's genitals by the public (and Joan L. Brewer)> since <insert date from pre-history (see Jurassic Park for examples)>. <insert new M$ application name> or whatever it's called, still relies on DOS's <insert stupid part of stupid DOS operating system> and is not a true <insert latest computer jive for "modern">." He added that "users who think that <insert new M$ application name> will have no problems will be in for a surprise."

Most users seem to remain unconvinced however. "<insert new M$ application name> will <insert a nonsense list of things anyone using any other OS has been using since the ENIAC> and it won't have any bugs or compatibility problems because it's from Microsoft. Why should I buy <insert competing software application's name> which is less than perfect when <insert new M$ application name> is right around the corner?"